April’s Adventures

Long day…..

25 08 2009

We had mom’s oncology apt today. We went in fully knowing what we thought was going to happen and we were right. He said she needs to get on Chemo right away. He gave a few options and mom decided that she would go for the option involving a trial study. In this study there are 3 different med options and she will not know which they are doing but the doctor assured us that there would be Chemo with all 3 options. There is no placebo in this trial. He expects her to be on it about 6 months. She will lose her hair. She will go once a week for 3 weeks then have a week off and so on. Well during this apt they took her vitals. After the doctor looked at this he decided that she needed to have a EKG done. It was then found that she was in SVT . He immediately told her she needed to go to the ER. This scared all of us pretty bad. We got down there and I did not leave her side. After some monitoring and positioning her head down and feet down it wasnt getting better so they had to administer a drug to basically “reset” her heart as the ER doc put it. It was scarey to watch because she literally for seconds felt light headed, like she couldnt breathe, and so on. Once they did that her heart rate dropped super low and hit the lower 100s. They decided that they would admit her over night to monitor her. Had we not had the oncology apt today whos know what would have been. This answers a lot about her shortness of breath and so on. It was all because her heart was over working. She is resting now at the hospital. Tomorrow she will go in to get a porta cath put in. She requested this because she had it last time with the chemo and since then her veins are really hard to get to so this will make things easier. ( http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/chemotherapy/overview/ports.jsp ). She also needs to have a bone scan done. They are hoping do this tomorrow as well.

Well thats basically the update. Sorry if this is all over the place. My head has been through a million emotions today and I just am at a loss for how to really describe how I feel so I tried to just stick with what is going on.

She has cancer and has to have Chemo. She is very positive and told me her biggest fear was that there was nothing they could do. So as crappy as Chemo is; she is glad there are options to fight this. Please pray for her and our family as we go through this with her. She is an amazingly strong women and if anyone can fight this it is her!

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Categories : Mom

I hate CANCER!

20 08 2009

In 1990 my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Through the course of a couple of years she had Chemo, Radiation, a mastectomy, and then restoration surgery. She had been given the all clear and was to be checked up on every so often. Well when we moved to Georgia she got a new doctor. They did a CAT scan on her and found some on her lungs. The doctor wasn’t overly concerned and said that they would just keep an eye on it and that it is small and looks like it could have been there all along but was just slowly growing since her breast cancer. This scared me more than anything with her living so far away and it just sucked knowing she does have cancer and that I knew it had a mind of its own. When she moved to Minnesota she found a new doctor and he was a lot more proactive. He wanted her to be screened every 3 months to make sure it wasn’t getting worse. He also put her on a new medicine and at one point we thought it was shrinking.

Well last weekend she was having shortness of breath. On Tuesday she had to go for her every 3 month scan. On Wednesday my grandpa told her that he is concerned because the shortness of breath is how all of his heart issues started. So they made an apt and she got in to see a primary care doctor. They were able to pull up her scans and look over them. Well come to find out she has fluid around her heart, enlarged lymph nodes, and her lung cancer is spreading and growing. To say we are SHOCKED is an understatement. But another side of me believes that Cancer free is a crock and it was just a matter of time. I know this may upset some but I have seen way too many people be “cancer free” and it come back full. Even her doctor said that it just sometimes hides which is why they probably didn’t find it years ago when she had breast cancer. So today she has to go for an Echo-cardiogram to see what they need to do about the fluid around her heart and then on Monday we will be going to the Oncologist. She had an apt with him in two weeks but they want to see her as soon as possible. He is out of town this week so we are waiting until Monday. She really wants to see him because he knows all of her history and all of the every 3 month scans well and he can really give us insight as to how bad this is. We have a feeling she will need chemo and radiation because he made mention of this before if things progressed.

So that’s kinda in a nutshell how we got to this point. I am completely devastated. I know that God can heal and I am begging and praying him to. I want my mom to be around for her grandchildren when and however they come. I want her to be well enough to enjoy them. I know that Nils and I’s kids might be her only ones and we have tried so desperately over the last 3 1/2 years to have her be a grandma. I need her to be here! I don’t have a relationship with my dad and she is all the parent I have or need!

So please pray for my family that we will be prepared for whatever comes our way not only at the apt today but the Oncologist on monday. I am taking the day off monday to go with her and my grandparents. I hope I have more encouraging news then.

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Tags: Mom
Categories : Uncategorized

Completely Defeated…

7 08 2009

We had our IVF consult and the Saline Sono. Sono went fine and everything looked “normal”. That term is getting pretty old. If everything was “normal” I would have been pregnant 2 years ago. Nils has to have more testing done that would have cost $1000 and then the 17,000 for the IVF. It’s pretty overwhelming so at this point we are done. We cant afford to keep dumping money into testing and then actually have the IVF. There is no magical grant money out there and loans suck. So back to trying on our own which didnt work for the first 2 years. So to say Im discouraged would be an understatement. Im not really sure how to live without feeling like maybe I will get pregnant this month. Im pretty sure at this point I wont even know if I’m pregnant even if I was because most cycles go months in between.

So thats pretty much my useless update. Who knows when and if we’ll ever go back down the treatment road. And if we do all of the testing I have had done to this point will be useless because its only good for 6 months.

Maybe we aren’t cut out for this having kids thing. Seems like it comes pretty easy for the majority of the world I live in. So much for being young and having my life together. I feel like I am having to mourn the loss of my two miscarriages all over again only this time its the loss I feel of maybe never being pregnant again. So unless a Miracle happens in our life this is as far as we get. :(

So with that I doubt there will be many updates in the furture. I guess I dont really have a lot to talk about now.

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Categories : IVF, Miscarriage, Miscarriage #2, Pregnancy #1, Pregnancy #2, TTC Round 1, TTC Round 2, TTC Round 3

Completely sick to my stomach

3 08 2009

We received all the paperwork about IVF and costs and what not. I knew the numbers but seeing it on paper just sucks. So I went to the medical financing website to find out terms and interest. Well its not good news. We are looking at a min of 8% and max of 22%. We have good credit but still with that interest and the loan amount we are needing it will be over 300 if not 400 a month for paying this off. We cannot afford to do that plus have the baby plus pay all our other debt and misc monthly bills. Seriously why does this have to be so freaking hard? Why is it that something as stupid as money is going to stand in the way of us having a baby? Right now we pretty much need a freaking miracle. Money falling from the sky or a money tree? Or how about my freaking body just magically get pregnant. Why does my freakish body require this much torture and treatment just to even have a glimmer of hope at actually getting pregnant and staying that way for a 3rd time.

We are going to go forward with tomorrow’s procedure but its no longer to get approved for the attain program. Its more for my own peace of mind that everything is normal in there. Right now I don’t have a good feeling that it will turn out normal. UGH! I really just want to go run and scream but unfortunately I am at work so all this will get to boil in me. I literally feel sick. :(

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Categories : Uncategorized

Testing take 2…

30 07 2009

So as I mentioned previously I have to repeat all of my initial testing for infertility. I have all my apts scheduled.

Friday-Day 3 bloodwork

Tuesday (8/4) Saline Sono and IVF consult

Tuesday (8/18) Day 21 bloodwork

Fortunately I dont have to have another HSG. That was scheduled for next wednesday but I was able to cancel it because they only need either that HSG or saline sono. I am nervous for the results for that but am hopeful that everything is A OK.

After all this testing is done we can apply for the program. Depending on if we get accepted or not will really determine if we move forward. Only time will tell what is next I guess.

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Categories : IVF

On to the next chapter

28 07 2009

Our last and maybe final IUI failed. To say Im heartbroken would be an understatement. Because we are going through IF treatments I had to get a blood test to confirm this. It sucks walking into there just knowing what the outcome already is. I talked to a nurse before leaving and told her that we had an apt next week but was just wondering what the dr might have written in our chart. She said basically we could do 1 last IUI since we wont see him before my next cycle starts or we can begin testing for IVF. Basically in order to qualify for the Attain program which is a program that you pay 1 price for the treatment (plus meds) and you get 6 “tries or 3 IVF and 3 fet(frozen embryo transfers) I have to repeat all the testing I have done in the past because its been more than 18 months since the initial work up. This means at least 2 different sets of blood tests, at least 2 in office procedures. 1 of which I have done before and let me tell you I prayed I would never have to go through that again and then 1 that I have never had done before. Basically the first is an HSG. They inject dye in my tubes to make sure they are open. The other they inject saline solution in my uterus and can see if there is anything abnormal in there. All of these tests have to be carefully timed. So within the next week I will probably have all of them done and then 1 additional round of blood work on day 21. After all this then I can officially apply for the program. We may still have the option of trying 1 last IUI but I wanted to get this testing repeated before we do that. A lot could have happened in the last 18 months since I have had 2 miscarriages. I just want to be sure we have the best possible chance physically for a healthy baby!

Nils and I both really feel this is the next step for us. The good news about the program is it has high success rates and they are so confident in the program that they give a full refund if you dont get pregnant since I am under 35 other than the cost we pay in for meds which are most of the way covered by insurance.

So anyways thats kind of an update on us. Please pray for us as we figure all the details out. We unfortunatlly dont have 17,000 just laying around so we will have to be financing this. This has been a struggle to deal with because we just went through financial peace but we feel confident that the Lord will somehow provide a way for this to happen and in the end He will ultimately get all the glory for this long journey.

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Categories : IVF, TTC Round 3

- No

24 07 2009

Today’s test read -NO. No need for a picture this time.
Great. I knew it.

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Categories : Uncategorized

?

23 07 2009

Seriously a ? Thanks First Response Gold for you wonderful answer!

http://www.firstresponse.com/digital_gold.asp

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Categories : Uncategorized

Analyzing Everything….

23 07 2009

Towards the end of every cycle, every twinge, cramp, or whatever feeling is analyzed. Could this be a pregnancy symptom? This is something I felt last time and so on. Pretty much its this major mind game. Then usually around 10 days past IUI is when reality sinks in and the thoughts turn from excited to completely hopeless. That’s where Im at today. I really dont feel anything anymore. I know I know It’s early. But still I have felt something from the beginning with both pregnancies so far. I know neither turned out well but they were still pregnancies and its the only thing I have to base what I feel on. So with all that in mind I dont think Im pregnant. I cried myself to sleep with that harsh reality that the end of our 3 year 7 month road to trying to have a child is coming to an end. Do I feel adoption is our next step? No I really don’t. Did I hope that when we reached this point that feeling would have changed? Yes! But for some reason that feeling isnt there. Do I wish more than anything to have a child? Yes! So basically we have gotten no where these last few years and are left with nothing but mourning over the loss of our 2 children that never made it here to earth and mourning the thought of maybe never having a child or children to fill our home. Oh and to make this even worse my due date is this weekend. Ugh.

So with that Im pretty much at a total loss. I really dont even want to bother with going to the IVF consult since we cant afford it anyways and really dont feel like adding that bill onto all the rest that have piled up this year all for a doctor to tell us he doesn’t have any idea why we can’t get pregnant with these treatments anymore. Or why I hardly responded this cycle? And best yet the old I think IVF will be the next course of action for you if you choose to pursue further medical help.

So you win IF. You have failed my body. You have failed me becoming a mommy or Nils becoming a daddy. You have failed us making our parents grandparents. You have taken all my hopes and dreams away. You have taken my 1st christmas’s, birthday’s, little league games, dance recitals, pig tails and tea parties, and all the other things I pictured us doing. You have completely broken my heart. :(

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Categories : TTC Round 3

9th and Final….

13 07 2009

Today will be my 9th and final IUI. It may sound like a lot but the first 1 we got pregnant on. The 5th one we got pregnant on and here we are 4 more down and this will be the last one. We have an IVF consult scheduled for the first week in August. Hopefully I will get to cancel this apt because this works out but we’ll see. The cycle is the weakest one I have had so far which is pretty discouraging. We only had 1 follicle that made it through. We had 2 on friday and by Saturday that one hadnt grown and just 1 did. So the odds arent really in our favor this round. But I am going to try and be optimistic and hope for the best. We will find out around July 27th if I am pregnant which would put me due the first part of April 2010. I will probably test the 25 or 26th. My due date from my miscarriages in November was due around that day and I am really dreading it but hope that I will have something happy to remember that day by! I just really figured that by now I would be pregnant again. I know I said this after my first miscarriage and it did in fact happen but that one didnt make it either. So here’s hoping this one will work and stick around. Please keep us in your prayers! Even though we have the consult scheduled it really doesnt mean we’ll be able to do it. Its $17,000 that we dont really have.

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Categories : Uncategorized