So today I am beginning to wonder when we should start selling off the baby stuff I have obtained over the last 3 1/2 years. We have pretty much everything you can think of to bring home a baby short of the baby. I am completely a planner and have over planned this because I never thought this would be such a huge issue. On top of that when I finally did get pregnant last April I really thought that would be it. Now I am left with a completely finished nursery, baby stuff and wondering why the heck I have it. What on earth posessed me to buy all this stuff? 
We cant afford the attain program for IVF and Im not even sure I’d qualify because of being classified as reaccurent pregnancy loss patient so after next month I really think this will be it. I think that if I dont get pregnant in this next cycle then maybe Im not cut out to be a mom and that its time to give up and face the facts that my body hates me. I am sick of this running and ruining my life and I just need to find a way to live without the desire of being a mom. And before you jump and say give it to God. It has been his the whole time. He allows my body to do whatever it does and no matter what meds or what doctors have done He is the one who decides how everything works. So it has and always was his to take care of.
Fathers day was hard yesterday and kinda hit all this at me. I have a dad that doesnt give a crap about me so that made the day depressing and Nils should have been celebrating his first fathers day or I would have been 35 weeks pregnant yesterday. Neither of which were the case. So 3 1/2 years later and a whole finished baby nursery that may never get filled I am ready for this huge nightmare to be over. Im not sure I’ll still blog after next cycle. I am trying to have faith that this will be it and it will work but Im being realistic with myself and facing that it could in fact not work again. So either I will blog about losing the weight watcher weight that I gained back while trying to get pregnant or I will just give up on it all together. Thanks for everyone that’s kept up and read this over the last few years. It really started out as a place for me to just vent and get my frustration and feelings out but I am glad that I have opened it up and hopefully one day my experience will be able to help someone else and realize that they arent alone that there are people out there that get them and the road that Infertility takes you down. Its a very dark and lonely road that only the people who have walked it can truly get.
