Today makes 1 year since the dreaded day at 10 weeks that we found out our little one had no heartbeat. I didnt actually miscarry till June 5th/6th but this was the day we found out for sure that our little one would never make it. I have not been able to get this thought out of my head all day. He or She would have been about 5 months. They would have been smiling at us and rolling around and starting solid food soon. Instead they never made it to earth to be with us. I will always wonder what would have been no matter how hard I try to accept it and move on. 
I will never forget the moment I saw the ultrasound and just knew there was no heartbeat. There was our sweet little baby on the screen. Thankfully I have this ultrasound photo and will forever be greatful that my OB printed this picture off for me. I pray one day soon I will finally be a mommy to a baby here on earth.
Remembering the little one I lost this time last year…
27 05 2009Comments : 1 Comment »
Categories : Miscarriage, Pregnancy #1, TTC Round 1
Please pray for my Grandpa
26 05 2009We went to duluth this past weekend and yesterday I got a call saying my grandpa was going to the ER because he was having trouble seeing out of 1 eye. It came on all of a sudden while he was at church. My mom thought he might have a detached retina but it turns out he has Macular Degeneration. The VA said there is nothing they can do for him and that his eyes ight probably wont come back. They are taking it pretty hard which is understandable. My grandma said you know you are at the end of your life when there is nothing they can do for you. So pray for them both as they learn to deal with this and also for my mom as she is the one primarily taking care of them. It is hard to even think or realize that they arent going to be around forever and I just really dont want to face that for a long time or selfishly at least until they are able to see and hold my children!
Heres another site to see what he sees:
http://www.ncbi.ie/information-for/friends-and-relatives/most-common-causes-of-sight-loss
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Categories : Misc. Life News
I think Im throwing in the towel
14 05 2009I think after tomorrow I am done with this crap. I tested tonight and not even a faint sign of anything. Im sure tomorrow will once again be negative. My insurance has been awesome through all this so that is one thing I am thankful for but honestly Im beginning to think maybe I am not supposed to be a mom. I mean seriously who goes through so much crap every cycle and then nothing happens. Or worse yet the 2 positives Ive had I miscarried. Who has an entire nursery finished without a child to put in it. I was so sure in the 11 weeks with my 1st pregnancy that it was finally my turn. Who freaking has 7 IUI’s with nothing actually work out in the end. So as of right now and I know now is not the time to make decisions but seriously I dont think I can take another month of negative tests. Thanks for all the prayers and support through this but Im beginning to think this is one that will go unanswered. I may not have much to blog about anymore since this has been my life for the last 3 years but maybe someday I will have something positive to project out there in the blog world.
Comments : 3 Comments »
Categories : Miscarriage, Miscarriage #2, Pregnancy #1, Pregnancy #2, TTC Round 1, TTC Round 1, TTC Round 2
Crappy week
13 05 2009A lot has happened this week. I called my doctor yesterday because I was having pretty bad cramping and bloating, etc. Well that turned into leaving work early so that I could go to my OB to see if I had a UTI. Well turns out I have a mild case of OHSS and not a UTI. Basically my ovaries are swolled and taking fluid from my blood stream and putting that into my stomach which is why things are swolled, crampy, bloated, and some pain. Well they said that usually this late in the cycle that its a really good sign. My OB called my RE and he said to make an apt for today to get further checked out and an early beta. Well I went today and they pretty much said the same thing my OB said that I need to pump fluids, eat protein, fruits, and veggies and take the rest of the week off and take it easy. I just got the results from my beta and its only 7. Which means that either its a really early pregnancy or the Ovidrel is still in my system. I feel really defeated by this number and just have a feeling that all this crap I have gone through this cycle is once again for nothing . I have to go back in Friday at 8am for another check up and another beta in which case they can confirm or deny a pregnancy. So thats my crappy week.
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Categories : Uncategorized
“A Pair of Shoes”
11 05 2009Kinda sums up how I feel today. Some days are “easier” than others but today is not one of them. Today however I feel defeated.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
-author unknown
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Categories : Uncategorized
What is IUI?
5 05 2009Ive had several people ask me what the IUI process is so I thought Id post a great article about the topic. This is a FAQ set up but it really does explain everything great! 
It might be a little too much information for some but hey Ive been an open book so far so I guess nothing seems TMI to me anymore! lol!
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Categories : TTC Round 1, TTC Round 1, TTC Round 2
Better late than never update…
5 05 2009Everything went great on Friday. No issues. My blood test is May 14th at 715am. They have me on 2 different forms of progesterone to support my Luteal Phase so hopefully this will do the trick.
I haven’t had to go back for Jury duty thankfully but still have to call all this week. Fun Fun!
Other than that everything is going fine. I am not really looking forward to Sunday since last mothers day I was pregnant and yet I am still not a mom. But life will go on and I’ll get past it like I have all the other days Ive struggled through. Hopefully this will be the last mother’s day I experience without a child of my own!
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Categories : TTC Round 3, Uncategorized
