Day 1 & 2 so far on the crazy pill (actually day 5 & 6)

30 07 2008

So I started back on clomid yesterday on cycle days 5-9. I decided that this time around I was going to take it in the morning because last time I took it on day 5 but it usually was 10-11pm before I took it so I guess my mind thinks this time will be better! The old feeling like crap feelings are all back! I was super tired all day yesterday and today, eyes hurt/blurry at times, and just overall Blah feeling. So hopefully that means its working away! I didnt really have symptoms till they bumped up the dose to 100mg. Now I pretty much have every symptom in the book! :) Yipee! Lucky me! I guess Id be really mad that it wasnt working if I felt nothing. The schedule for next week as of right now is on day 12 (Tuesday, Aug 5th) I will have my usual ultrasound to see how many and the sizes of the eggs this cycle. Then she will decide if I am good to go or need to wait another day to grow more. Then I will get the HCG trigger shot and be sent home to go back in the next morning. So as of right now if everything is great at my apt then my IUI will be Aug 6th. If everything doesnt look so good we will either be told sorry about your luck try next month or come back in a day! I just really hope everything is working as it should and I am just going to believe that it is! This month would mean I would be due around May 1-2 if everything works out this cycle. I pretty much go everytime day 1 starts and see ok heres when this needs to happen and here’s when we’d be due if it did.

Please pray for us as we go through this whole road of Infertility all over again! I am learning that our timing is never our timing and we just have to trust the Lord that He has the perfect plan for us. I know I am going to be a mom and I always thought we’d have our first by the time I was 25 but that will be October this year so that bums me out but I know there are great things ahead!


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Categories : TTC Round 2

Weekend Update…

28 07 2008

So we spent the weekend in Milwaukee. I have never been to the city before but think that I would definitely go back. Friday we saw The Police in concert at the Marcus Amphitheater. It was a great show and even better seats than we paid for! We got there and noticed that there was a huge camera blocking our view. We didnt really think that anything would come of it but sure enough someone that worked there changed our seats and we ended up in the next row over in the very front row! Well not the front row of the whole thing but the front row of the middle area. The seats were amazing and we could see everything so great! And there was a wall with a rail so we could kick back and put our feet up! All in all totally worth the price of the tickets even if they were more than our 2 nights hotel stay! We stayed at a really nice Radisson in Pewaukee, WI. It was close enough to the city without being too close. Over all I would definitely recommend this hotel to anyone who was looking to stay near Milwaukee. Saturday we went to tour the Miller Brewery. The tour itself was pretty lame and you hardly get to see much but the views of the buildings on the outside were worth going to see! They are very old and mostly brick and just beautiful! The tour was free and you did get free beer so for most people that was the best part! I am not a huge beer drinker but I did try it and it wasnt all bad. I am beginning to become so in love with old buildings/homes and would rather do that for sightseeing than almost anything else! Saturday night we went to the brewers game. It was a lot of fun to see an outdoor game and we got to see the Miller High Life guy throw out the first pitch. Even funnier than that is the night before we were at an amazing place (Texas Roadhouse) and he was there delivering the beer! You can just see that he loves his job!

Thats just a quick run down of our weekend. We ate a lot of really great food for which my weight watchers scale will show. We did a lot of driving around town.  Overall we had a great time and it was nice to get away!


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Categories : Misc. Life News

Im going with 2nd times the Charm…

28 07 2008

So tomorrow I will begin down a route that is all too familiar to me. I will be going on my 4th round (1st this time) of Clomid. I will be on 100mg for 5 days. Then Next Tuesday, Aug 5th I will go into to see if everything is as it should be on day 12 and get my all too familiar shot in the hip and be sent on my way. If that all goes as planned then I will go back in the next morning for the IUI. As much as I thought I could take the wait and see approach it just didnt happen. I have thought about this a lot and know that sometimes God answers prayers with the help of doctors and I really feel that medical intervention is what it is going to take for me to get pregnant. The last 2 months have been hell for me. I have not had a “normal” cycle and just began what could be a “normal” cycle so they didnt want to waste it if I was ready. I am so beyond ready! I have a nursery that is about 85% completed and sits empty! I have a closet full of baby stuff and diapers and so on! I have waited for this baby to come and have had the desire for this baby for the last 2 1/2 years that I have been off birth control! It is time! I just know and believe that it is! So here I go again. 5 days of the crazy pill that gives me a million symptoms and causes me to be “normal”. Thankfully I have reached my outta pocket max on insurance for the year so the next 5 months I will have medical treatment for “free”. Wow Ive used a lot of “” this time around!


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Categories : TTC Round 2

Guess I was supposed to have an Ultrasound this day anyways…

24 07 2008

So yesterday I called the doctor because it had been almost a week since my last apt and still am having issues. They decided that I needed to get in and have an ultrasound done to see if they can figure out where the bleeding is coming from. So they called me back about an hour after our first conversation and had me on the schedule for 6:00pm last night. I went in for the ultrasound and the lady spent about 30mins doing an abdominal ultrasound and said that my uterus is empy which is good because that was one concern that they didnt get everything from the D&C. The next thing she noticed is that I have a cyst on my right ovary. She couldnt really give me any info on that and everything will be sent off to be looked at. Overall I didnt get a whole lot of answers yet. The tech was amazing though and I am so glad that I went last night because I had her! She has been through all of this Infertility stuff; had 4 miscarriages of different kinds, conceived 2 of her 3 children on clomid and 1 on clomid/IUI. So it was just so encouraging to hear her struggle and really talk with someone who has been through all of this mess only to end up losing your baby. I feel completely refreshed after all of that last night! She said I just know you will be back here soon! And then said that may sound strange but I just know! It was the first time when someone had said anything along those lines of it will happen soon that I really believed that it will! I know that my faith was really shaken with the experience but I know the God loves me and He does have a great plan and someday I will see and hold that plan!! :)

I am ready for a weekend away with Nils! We are leaving work early which is just icing on the cake!! :) Well anyways just thought Id post a quick update again!


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Categories : Weight Watchers

Getting past the day of the “Big” Ultrasound

23 07 2008

So today would have been the BIG day. Today would have been the day that we would have found out if we would have had a son or a daughter. My heart aches and is so heavy knowing that I will never know what the baby was. Wednesdays are the hardest days to get past. They are the days my weeks changed to a new week and became one week closer to 40. The harder days are getting a little bit easier but its when Wednesday hits that they all come crashing down again. I am ready to be pregnant again and have new days to look forward to instead of dread! I feel like right now I am no closer than I was this time last year and that just sucks other than having an empty feeling more so than I did. Nils and I will take all the prayers we can get at this point because I just feel we cant get real healing till December comes and goes or we get pregnant again! On another note of this I went to the doctor last week because of spotting I have had for the last 3 weeks now. They called with my blood work results yesterday and my progesterone is low which is what I kind of expected. When your progesterone levels are low in early pregnancy most end in miscarriage because of this. This hormone from what I understand helps sustain the pregnancy in the early weeks and keeps things going. So basically I’ll be tested right away next time and probably put on suppliments through the first trimester. I guess this gives some answers but sure doesnt really make it any better. I probably will have to go in for an untrasound because the spotting isnt going away so that will probably be early next week. I just dont get how nothing physically with me can ever make sense why it happens…Why did I not have my cycles for over 6 months after going off birth control…Why were they inconsistant after that untill almost 2 years later when I went on Clomid (infertility pills)…So many things just dont add up and that is so frustrating and we never can seem to get real answers….

On a more exciting/happy note Nils and I will be going away this weekend to Milwaukee! We have had this trip planned for so long that I am just so excited for it to finally be here! We will be seeing The Police in concert on Friday night; Heading to the Miller Brewery and a Brewers game on Saturday and then heading back sometime on Sunday.

Also an update from weight watchers. So far on their end I have lost over 3lbs. I actually started the plan a week before weigh in and know that I am down at least 2 from that week. So from what I see on the scale that’s about 5lbs now! I am going to keep plugging away at this until we get pregnant again or I get to goal!

Well hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week and weekend!!


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Categories : Misc. Life News, Miscarriage, TTC Round 2

Family Reunion and the vacations ahead….

15 07 2008

We got back on Sunday from my family reunion. I was really dreading the drive there and back (14hrs each way) and the fact that we left Thursday night and came back Saturday night but the time there I wouldn’t have traded for anything. I have a fairly large extended family and all but about 2 people were there. It was so great to spend time with family that I havent seen in so long because we are all over the world (literally). We also celebrated my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. You can just see the love that they have for each other and it is a love that has lasted over good times and bad. We also had a couple of other things that we shard as a family that was just awesome and I laughed a bunch and cried a bunch! I know that my family loves me so much and are praying for so much good to come into my life! I cant wait till we can all be together again!

Now onto the rest of the year. Next weekend Nils and I will be venturing off to Milwaukee to see The Police, go to a Brewers Game, and Tour Miller Brewery, and whatever else we can pack into a weekend. It will be so nice to get away for a few days again! In September we will be off to Niswaa with my mom for a week at a timeshare. It will be fun to spend time with her and it will be the first vacation in 2 years that she has had. She missed out on one last year because of the move here. And finally in December we will be heading to AZ again. We will be going right after Christmas and it will be a much needed time away since we will be leaving 2 days after what would have been my due date. I hope and pray that by that point I will be pregnant again but know that the timing is not in my hands. It will be the first vacation that we take along our dog Sadie. We found a really nice Hilton that actually takes pets and she loves being in the car so it should be a fun adventure!
Well thats just a quick update on what we have planned out for the rest of the year for fun! Im sure there will be other spur of the moment trips to Duluth and so on! Hope you have some fun planned into the rest of your year! 

Below is the resort we will be staying at in Phoenix


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Categories : Misc. Life News

Hate vs Love

8 07 2008

So I feel like most of my post lately have been really discouraging and depressing but I guess you blog about where you are at in life and that’s kinda where I feel like I’m stuck. Work is so busy right now and so much is going on that things are just not working like clock work like it usually does. I hate July because that means the busiest month for our rental stuff and that means that everyday will be full of frustration which isn’t exactly what I need right now. I love my church and love being involved but hate feeling like Im missing out on so much because I work during the week days. I hate that I never have had a large group of friends and cant seem to ever keep the same group of friends for very long because of things that change in my life or theirs. Probably partly my fault because Ive been so burnt by people in the past that I just give up and don’t pursue that friendship anymore if it fizzles. I hate that I had a miscarriage after wanting to have a baby so long, trying so hard and falling so in love with that baby only to lose it. I love/hate this blog but feel like it makes me so transparent and that is my fault because I am such a transparent person and will pretty much tell anyone anything about me and this is the spot where I can let it all out and if you want to read about it great and if not than you don’t have to! :)

So I guess this is where I stop complaining about the life struggles that I am going through and talk about the positives that I have. I know I have a God that loves me even when I feel angry, hurt, abandonded, or whatever towards Him; He forgives and never leaves me. I love that my family is all here living close to me. I love that my husband comes home from work everyday about the same time as me and is there all evening with me and every weekend. Not everyone can say this about their spouse and I know that I am so lucky to have Him! I love the friends that I do have right now even if I feel like I’m the only one going through what I am right now I know that they love me and only want the best for me. And finally I love that I am able to afford to go to Weight Watchers and try to get myself back into the shape that I was this time last year after completely giving it up to try and get pregnant. This will hopefully at least be a good distraction on Tuesday nights even when I don’t do well.

Sorry for the whoa is me blogs lately. Hopefully I can come up with some better, witty stuff soon!


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Categories : Misc. Life News, Miscarriage, Pregnancy #1, TTC Round 2, Weight Watchers

Twenty Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember…

7 07 2008

I didnt write this but feel this speaks so much! I am not trying to offend anyone or place blame over anything that I have experienced or be negitive but am just trying to show some of what I am feeling and experiencing. Please dont take this as a personal attack. Right now I just feel so weak and defeated and just am in need of support……

Twenty Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember…

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean they don’t deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you don’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about them.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasn’t really a baby and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my babies’ body and face. My baby was a real person – and they were alive.

13. My babies’ due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the days I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren’t interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

 

 

 


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Categories : Miscarriage, TTC Round 2

Time to not let TTC run my life!

3 07 2008

So today I decided that trying to have a baby is not going to run my life. Since October it has been all I can think about, all I can talk about, and so on. Since April all I could talk and think about was being pregnant and now in the last 4 weeks all that has been on my mind is losing the baby. Because of all of this I had given up on Weight Watches and exercising and because of this the 63lbs that I lost now became 20lbs. In a year Ive gained back 40lbs! It is time to get back on track and get back to losing weight and letting things happen in their time.  Today came my first period since the miscarriage. I have been having what now is imaginary pregnancy symptoms for the last week and was completely convinced that I was in fact pregnant again. Unfortunately that isnt the case! It was so heartbreaking to see that today as I am at work and cant really deal with those emotions! It sucks to have that as a reminder just 1 day after what would have been 15 weeks. In 4 weeks we should be finding out what our baby is and instead are now waiting 4 weeks to see if we are unsuccessful another month. Pray for us as we are still dealing with all of this and that I will be able to refocus on what is going on right now and not what will happen in the future.


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Categories : TTC Round 2, Weight Watchers